What Makes You Happy?

Is there a common and unchanging feature in every experience that makes you happy?

Are you a happy person?

It probably depends on the situation, doesn’t it? Are you happy right now? Most of us would answer with something like, “I’m okay, I guess.” When was the last time you felt genuinely happy? Or do you recall a recent time when you were feeling especially low?

Let’s try a little experiment.

Think of five moments in your life when you felt truly happy. Anything goes. Maybe you won the lottery, the love of your life said yes, you held your first child, or you achieved a hard-earned goal. No limits. Got those five moments?

Now, look at each of these moments and ask yourself: is there a common feature among them, something present in every happy moment? Of course, happiness is common to all, and they all happened to you personally. But what else? Could there be a shared, unchanging aspect in every experience that brings you happiness?

Yes, there is. If you take a closer look at all these “happy” experiences, you’ll notice one thing: something happened that you wanted, something you desired. In each case, whatever occurred aligned with your expectations, and as a result, you felt happy. Conversely, when we feel unhappy, there’s usually something else at play: what’s happening goes against our expectations, and this naturally leaves us feeling down. Nothing unusual about that.

So, what would make you much happier right now? Think about it for a moment. Close your eyes if you need to, and focus on what you truly want at this moment. What is that one thing that, if it happened right now, would bring you great joy? Have you found it?

Now, here’s the question: why do you want it? Will getting what you want actually make you happy? Will you feel good and content once you have it? And if it never happens, or if it’s something you can’t have, what will you do?

These are easy questions to ask but hard to answer. Looking through this lens, we might start to realize that we often want things because others want them, that we learned to want things from others, that we may not always know what we truly need, and that if our desires were fulfilled, they might even disrupt our lives. And perhaps worst of all, we’d spend every moment of unfulfilled desire feeling unsatisfied.

Now, think of this: if everything we wished for came true, what about everyone else’s wishes? Could we be happy in a world filled with so many “unhappy” people who didn’t get what they wanted?

Desire is natural, but knowing what to desire is a skill connected to wisdom. It’s no coincidence that people who desire things within their reach tend to be consistently happy. Most people can easily see that chasing unattainable desires is a shortcut to unhappiness. Turning this awareness into a mental state, however, is no easy feat. Our minds have been strengthened over years of “desiring what we think we should desire,” so the ability to desire wisely often takes a backseat. Our brain circuits that question, “What do I actually want? What do I truly need?” are underused and weak. Trying to flex an unused “muscle” is hard, isn’t it?

So, however cliché it may sound, it’s worth remembering: happiness is not a goal; it’s a state of mind. True happiness is when we can accept what’s happening now, finding contentment in each moment. This state of mind can be cultivated by continuously questioning what and why we want.

But unfortunately, this is a path less chosen.